Confused Christie.

Do you believe that your soul mate is somewhere out there? Do you believe that one day, you're going to meet this "soul mate," where you'll start texting/calling which will lead to numerous dates, and then one day you or he will ask the big question, "Will you merry me?" You'll get married in front of your friends and family, have kids (or cats/dogs for you children haters) and then live happily ever after.

The thought of "love" scares the crap out of me. Sure, we all say that we feel lonely and we want to date, but  when I think about it, dating someone is scary. Bringing my guards down and letting someone walk into my life is so frightening. He will get to know my insecurities and that's what terrorizes me the most. I have my personal secrets and insecurities that no one knows of. Kay not like I killed someone or other illegal crap (except for downloading music >8) but I don't want people come into my very personal bubble and finding these out. I'll have to open myself up. What if they don't like my imperfections? What if they judge me? I guess that's one of the reasons why I put my guards up when I get close to some of the boys I've met. That's why I lose contact with some of them or we don't become as close.

Hm, I'm so confused about myself right now. I'm trying to analyze my brain/feelings like the way my english teacher Mr.Macdonald taught us. I'll write here again once I figure everything out.

Happy New Years everyone.

Update: okay I was googling "why are we scared of relationships."

and one site had 12 reasons.

Reason 3 sums 97% of my phobia:

You’re afraid to let someone get to know you.

If you haven’t been in a lot of relationships, it might seem strange to let someone get to know you — to see you disheveled in the morning, to see you at your best and worst, to truly let someone into your life. You might think the only reason you seem desirable to anyone is because they don’t know you that well — because you have managed to put the best version of yourself on display — something you can’t necessarily do when you throw yourself into a honest relationship. But remember that you can’t hide forever and nobody is perfect. Your new boyfriend/girlfriend is not perfect, either. We’ve all received the memo, and we are all okay with it.

First Post as a University Student!

Hello blogspot and to my non-existent readers. It's been a couple of months since I last wrote. When one of my new university friends shared one of his blogspot on facebook, I remembered I had one myself. So here I am trying to write a couple of paragraphs summarizing my past 4 months as a university student. Okay, I'm an open book so I'll let everything out here.

Truthfully, TRUTHFULLY I went into Waterloo Engineering not 100% sure if engineering was the right path for me. I thought teaching was my  chosen career but I felt like engineering was my only choice after getting declined from my dream program at Queens. I admit I was scared because I knew there were geniuses in engineering (and there are a bunch) and then, there was me. With my fingers crossed hoping I wasn't the dumbest kid, I walked into my first class. There they were. 120 of future civil engineers siting in RCH110. Everyone looked SO SMART. Seriously, they looked SO SMART. There were more students than the number of seats so for the first couple of weeks you had to stand during our 4 hours of lectures if you were late. However, as the weeks passed, there were less students standing and more empty seats. I WAS DOING IT! I was surviving engineering. I wasn't one of those kids that dropped engineering and went crying to their mommy (but I wanted to a couple of times.) There were courses I hated like linear algebra (it should be called linear abstract english cause there was no math involved D: ) and physics. There was one course I enjoyed which was civil engineering concepts course, SURPRISINGLY.

Fast forward to the week of midterms. OH MIDTERMS. One every day for 5 days. We called it "hell week." I don't think I've ever studied that hard in my life and I guess it paid off. I did everything really well except for physics (62% HELL YEAH class average!) This is where it went downfall. I got cocky/overly confident about my student habits. After midterms I didn't study and it took a toll on me during exam week. I can say confidently that exam week was one of the worst weeks of my life. Calculus was the first exam and I thought I studied really well for that but walking out of that exam, I knew I screwed up. I came back to my room thinking, "how the hell am I supposed to pass the other exams when Calculus was supposed to my easiest?" The following week, I had remaining 3 of my exams in 5 days (Monday, Wednesday and Friday). OH MY GOSH, it was bad. I remember having a couple meltdowns for linear algebra exam and calling my mom telling her I'm going to fail. That course was going to be the death of me. I walked in knowing 70% of the course. I drew a picture on the exam and wrote "Should of studied more. Back to 1A." That's how bad it was.

During those two exam weeks I learned a lot of things about myself. When I called my mom crying about my linear algebra exam, she yelled at me. I was hoping she would comfort me with her motherly words, but she was lecturing me. She was right. There is no one else in this world that can take my exam for me. There is no one that will make me successful except for me. I also realized the value of family, more importantly, my parents. I remember writing blog posts about how much I hate them and couldn't wait to leave home. I was such a little brat. People would tell me "Oh you're going to have such a hard time if you go to Waterloo because it's so far," and I'd always laugh it off. BUT OH BOY was I homesick. I missed my mom's food, my dad's hugs, my awesome bed, my life back in Richmond Hill. I hated how my mom wasn't there to stay up with me if I had a project due the next day or how my parents would pray for me when there was an upcoming test. I never realized how FRIGGIG AWESOME MY PARENTS ARE. Let me show off a little bit now. Okay so the night before my linear algebra exam, I was walking back from the library. I called my mom and told her, "Mom I'm so hungry and there is no good food at the cafeteria at midnight." My mom asked me what I wanted and I told her that I wanted Kimchi fried rice. WELL MOTHER COMES THE NEXT DAY WITH PAPPA JEONG WITH 3 CONTAINERS OF KIMCHI FRIGGING FRIED RICE, A THERMOS OF FISH BALL SOUP, UDON NOODLES, AND A BUNCH OF OTHER FOOD. DAS RIGHT, be jealous.

LOL, this blog post is so useless. I came home and it was the night that all our marks were coming out. Wateroo engineering program is so mean. All the marks come out right at midnight. I was skyping with one of my good friends and telling her, "Dude I failed I failed I failed." The night before, I had a dream I got 13% on linear algebra. :'( The whole day I had a gut feeling that I would have to retake 1A next fall. When I finally had the balls to look at my marks, HOOOOOOOOOOOLY I looked up to the sky with a tear in my eye thanking the Lord for the marks. I mean, 79 in linear algebra. SEVENTY-EFFING-NINE. Not a 50 that I was aiming for but a frigging 79! I'm trying not to show off..(well maybe a little bit ;) ) but my overall average was 84 with 88 as my highest. HOLLA!

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT I can't make the same mistake and start being cocky. Next term I need to bring my A game. I think I'm confident that civil engineering is my right path. One of the goals I set for myself is to head to a developing country and build schools for them. :) I'm excited to go  back next term and learn with those engineers that survived 1A. 1B will have new challenges (LIKE CO-OP AHHHHH) but I know that I can get through it. God is always with me and I know he will help me face anything.

I'll be back with a better post some other day (probably after my church retreat) but for now, this long ass blog post willl due.

Here's a picture of me and my civies after our last exam. (These people are amazing not to mention smart! )

Youth Kosta '12

I've been to youth kosta 5-6 times now but I'm hesitant on where I should go or not this year. There are some reasons why:

1) I have to be a group leader.
There is nothing bad about this, but the fact that this is a korean retreat...and I'm more confident about my english than korean. As a group leader, you have to bring the group closer together and not make things awkward. I am SO SHY when I'm put into a group of strangers. How do I make everyone love each other and stuff? And as a group leader, I have to be a LEADER, as in I should be a role model to the other kids. Show them the love I have for God and stuff. I don't know if I can do that.

oh and I look like a grade 9. All the group members are going to be like "you're a leader? HAHAHAHA"

2) I love being at Kosta. I love how I can really connect with God there. How I really want to feel his presence. What ends up happening throughout the year is "oh, don't worry. I have Kosta to get closer with Him again." I use Kosta way of getting out of things. "oh I'll just be better and pray harder at Kosta." Also when I go to other retreats I have such high expectations for them because of Kosta. It's kinda hard to explain :S

I hate that feeling when you're back into the real world. You get so emotionally tired... You're on fire with God's love but as time passes, that starts to burn out. What you're left out is a lonely, scared Christie. But I guess if I go this year, I have to find a way to keep that fire for the rest of my life...which...is HARD. I



My pastor was telling us that we don't HAVE to go...but...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO :'(








WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


well here is the promo video for it:

It's kinda funny

I was reading my old posts and it's funny because I was stressing over the stupidest things.

For example, I was so worried about driving. "I can't turn. I almost died." I thought I would never be able to drive, and look at me now. I take the car out without having to worry if I will crash into another car.

There were other things I was freaking out. Now that I look back on it, I didn't have to worry. Everything turned out to be okay. This shows me that I need to pause, breathe and have my life in the hands of God. In a couple of months, I'm going to look back and laugh at the times when I was scared about acceptances.

Enjoy now, because you'll never get it back.

:)

Midterms

How hard I try for the next 2 months determines my/your future. I/You got this. Logg off facebook, twitter, tumblr, or whatever I/You are doing. Or learn to manage your time wisely (which, we all need to learn). We got this. I believe in myself/you. (:

2012 Retreat: New Beginning

2 nights 3 days of God's love.

Every year usually around christmas time, the LKPC (my church) KM (korean ministry) Hi-C youth group put on a show - similar to the popular SNA from RHCCC. There is singing, acting, and at the end our pastor gives a sermon. At the end there is a full out buffet (different to sna x) ). This year our pastor (different from last years) decided that we were not ready for one. I 100% completely agreed with him. Our hi-C or we call ourselves the "disciples" were falling apart. Our km group was getting much smaller because the younger kids were all going to the english ministry. As our group got smaller, our participation in the church decreased. Also we, as a group weren't close. The older groups were completely segregated from the younger grades. And some kids didn't even know each other in the same grade! So this retreat was made to bring our group closer. In order to evangelize others, we ourselves must first be crazy with God's love.

As a leader, I had a lot to prepare. Last wednesday the leaders had to meet to come up with the games we were going to play there. I was kind of annoyed when only half of us came. I know that it's winter break and some people already had things planned before, but it's not like I wanted to be there as well...kay...kinda. I like planning stuff. HAHA Anyways we ended up meeting twice and it was fun...(:

kaykay to the actual retreat.

Day 1:
the leaders had to go a couple of hours early to set up the place. The cottage was nice. Clean washrooms that do not run out of hot water, and it even had a nice couch area with the fireplace.





Played a bunch of icebreakers :)





GROUP 2 : THe awkward group!




Well day 1, I wasn't really feeling it. I guess I was mad at God because of something that happened in the past. I felt like he betrayed me so I didn't want to pray to him, so I sat there. I sound like a little kid. :(

Day 2:
Had to wake up at 7 in the morning and first thing we did was QT (Quiet Time). This is the time where we read the bible/God's message and we reflect on it. The verse where I felt like the Lord was Deuteronomy 28:2

All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God

He was telling me not to worry about my future. These past couple of months I was trying to take care of my own problems. Mainly my future. What university I wanted to go to or what program I wanted to go to. Some people might know that I've had a really hard time dealing the whole program thing with my parents. I realized I never really listened to the Lord. I never prayed to him. I know he created my future path for me but I never looked into it. I was creating my path and who knows where that would lead. My parents and I were worrying about job availability or how much money a specific job gives. God was telling me, leave it all to me. Obey me and all these blessings will come to me. Put everything in God's hands and to trust him.

After lunch we had a special presentation from our pastor's wife about relationships and marriage. She was telling me about her relationship with the pastor. I honestly want a marriage like them where their love is revolved around God's love. She was telling us about how family is so important. She said that she started to pray to God about her future husband. It actually opened my eyes to a lot of new things and made me realize about my role as a future wife :)

After that we played the games that we came up with. It was tons of fun. I swear I peed a little in my pants from laughing to hard. The last game was the "Make Me Pretty Game." Each teams (there was 4) had 15 minutes to make a person in their team "pretty." The main goal was to make the other teams laugh when they saw your "pretty" member. Our group made Gi-Hwan SO PRETTY. Oh gosh, I will post pictures later.

The night sermon- honestly, I was trying to hard to stay awake. I didn't fall asleep but I forgot what he said because...I was so tired.

Praying time. Remember how I was being stubborn? Well, I realized that He is always there for me. I locked him out and was getting farther away from him. I also noticed that I felt really lonely these past couple of months. I needed his comfort, his advice, his love. That's when I completely broke down asking for him to come back into my life. I was so scared/stressed about my future that I tried to take over my life instead of him leading it. After that night, I told myself "God I trust you. Whatever you have stored for me, I'll take it."





oh this post is long...

After a night of crying, LOOL our eyes were actually double in size from all the crying. We went outside to have a campfire! We roasted marshmellows and we had sparklers. We spelled "disciples" with it! It looks SOOOOOOO nice! I will try to upload. (: I ended up sleeping really early compared to the rest of the guys because I was tired. I slept at around 2:30ish while others slept at 6 o'clock. CRAZY!!!






Day 3
Last day of retreat. Like day 2 we had to do our QT. This time it was Isaiah 61: 1-11. I had a hard time reflecting on this one but God told me that no matter where I am, what I'm doing he will always be there for me. In the bible verse, the people were having such a hard time but the Lord says that he will bring them back up. If I'm having a hard time, He will always be there to hold my hand and lead me through my hardships.

The last sermon from our pastor was that we must be the light in this world. We lit candles and I thought to myself, this light is so fragile and it could be blown off so easily. That's how we are. Our relationship with him can be so strong but can be broken off so easily with the temptations around us but we can fight it off.

(:

This retreat actually brought our youth group a lot closer. I know a lot of the younger grades now. They call me "noona" so cute :') I want to pinch their cheeks. I'm going to definitely miss this next year. At the end of the second night and we're all sitting down, I stared at my friends and thought "next year, we're going to be at different places." :'( Going to miss my girlies so much.