Confused Christie.

Do you believe that your soul mate is somewhere out there? Do you believe that one day, you're going to meet this "soul mate," where you'll start texting/calling which will lead to numerous dates, and then one day you or he will ask the big question, "Will you merry me?" You'll get married in front of your friends and family, have kids (or cats/dogs for you children haters) and then live happily ever after.

The thought of "love" scares the crap out of me. Sure, we all say that we feel lonely and we want to date, but  when I think about it, dating someone is scary. Bringing my guards down and letting someone walk into my life is so frightening. He will get to know my insecurities and that's what terrorizes me the most. I have my personal secrets and insecurities that no one knows of. Kay not like I killed someone or other illegal crap (except for downloading music >8) but I don't want people come into my very personal bubble and finding these out. I'll have to open myself up. What if they don't like my imperfections? What if they judge me? I guess that's one of the reasons why I put my guards up when I get close to some of the boys I've met. That's why I lose contact with some of them or we don't become as close.

Hm, I'm so confused about myself right now. I'm trying to analyze my brain/feelings like the way my english teacher Mr.Macdonald taught us. I'll write here again once I figure everything out.

Happy New Years everyone.

Update: okay I was googling "why are we scared of relationships."

and one site had 12 reasons.

Reason 3 sums 97% of my phobia:

You’re afraid to let someone get to know you.

If you haven’t been in a lot of relationships, it might seem strange to let someone get to know you — to see you disheveled in the morning, to see you at your best and worst, to truly let someone into your life. You might think the only reason you seem desirable to anyone is because they don’t know you that well — because you have managed to put the best version of yourself on display — something you can’t necessarily do when you throw yourself into a honest relationship. But remember that you can’t hide forever and nobody is perfect. Your new boyfriend/girlfriend is not perfect, either. We’ve all received the memo, and we are all okay with it.