To many people, God is their role model, father and/or best friend. For so many years to me, God was a chore. Being born into a Christian family, I didn’t have a choice but was forced to go to church. Every Sunday, I hated waking up so early. I hated how my friends went out to the theatre or amusement parks without me on Sundays. Instead of having a 2 day weekend like everyone else, I had a one day weekend – Saturday.
When someone who is not born into a Christian family goes to church, they choose to believe in God. They want to get to know him better. They realize the difference between being a Christian and a non-Christian. From there, they get to choose whether or not they want God as their savior. For me, I didn’t get that chance. I didn’t fully understand the importance of God in someone’s life. When I was little, I didn’t know why I had to go to church. I just followed my parents.
Also, I felt like I had to believe in God right away. It felt like my parents were pressuring me to believe in God. Whenever my parents said “YOU BELIVE IN HIM RIGHT? YOU BELIEVE HE DIED ON THE CROSS FOR YOU?” I lied saying I did. Not only was it parents but also other people from church made it feel like there was some countdown. They would say, “Usually teenagers meet God at that age,” or “That’s the age where you’re most intimate with God.” Sometimes, I felt guilty for not meeting Him.
In grade 7, I had a big fight with a girl from our grade at church. It led to a situation where she got all the other people from our grade to hate on me. Every Sunday I would hate going to church. I hated how I sat by myself during service and would see the girls having a fun time. I hated how no one could understand me. I was mad at God for making this happen. From the fight, I went farther from God. I shut myself away from church. I wasn’t as outgoing anymore, and I was very quiet. I didn’t like talking about my life at church because it meant that I got get hurt again.
Last year, during Youth Kosta, I felt the presence of God. When I came back home, for the first few weeks, I was trying to be the best Christian I could be by reading the bible, praying to him every day and even attending morning services. As my old behavior started coming back, my parents started questioning me if I really met Him. They kept on asking, “Oh you’re changing back to your old self, are you sure you met Jesus during your retreat?” It got to the point where I started questioning myself as to whether I met him.
For the past 10 weeks, I sat during the셀제자훈련 (the 10 week bible study program) for two hours wondering what 임효택 부장님 (my teacher who spoke in Korean) was saying. Half the things that were coming out of his mouth did not make any sense. I would frequently ask my classmates to translate what he was saying. Even though I had a hard time understanding what the teacher was saying, I learned something. I learned a new way to communicate with God. I was never the type to read the bible everyday or go to morning services. When 임효택 부장님 told us to write a journal to God, I thought it was a stupid idea. But when I started to write to him, I felt much closer to him. Pouring out all my problems to him made me feel happier. Now whenever I am having a difficult time or need a question answer, all I do is start writing.
Being a Christian is never easy. I believe that He put each of us on Earth for a reason. God created us so that we can accomplish the task he has given us. Even though there might be barriers and challenges along the way, all we need is God to help us.
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